YOUR MARITAL HEALTH/WHY HUSBANDS DON’T HAVE ORGASM: THE MOST IMPOTR MALE SEXUAL PROBLEM
Men feel valued for what they do, not who they are. They feel like success objects rather than sex objects. As a result, their sexual behavior is characterized by emphasis on skills, foreplay, technique, timing, and love-making prowess. Accused of being selfish, men are not really selfish enough, for they are too busy trying to do instead of be and experience. Love becomes a product they try to “make.” They feel they have to “get it on” and “get off.” They feel a burden of culminating the sexual interaction with expulsion of fluid. “You know if a man comes, but you can’t tell if a woman comes,” was the report of one husband. This is not true. The presence of ejaculate tells only that there was a contractive reflex similar to the vaginal contractions of the woman. Contractions are not the only criterion of orgasm. If they were, other animals would have orgasm. They don’t. With the possible exception of some higher primates, orgasm and its subjective dimension is uniquely human.
Men have learned to release muscle tension, to achieve a pelvic settledness, but they have failed to achieve a settledness of the spirit. Men may have orgasm if by that term we mean organ reflex to sexual stimulation, but they fail to have psychasms. Psychasms require an alteration of consciousness, but men are seldom aware of what they are experiencing at the time of ejaculation. As long as this reflex orientation continues, men will go on trying to “get some” but fail to give or take anything.
The husbands completing the super marital sex program in my clinic report being stunned at the difference between orgasm and psychasm. They discover after forty or more years of “coming” what it is like to experience “being.” “I never imagined it could be like this,” commented one husband. “I thought you were nuts when you talked about this psychasm thing. It’s a whole other thing. There is no language to describe it.”
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